SEXO NA LUA

Da minha parte, tinha quatro anos e ainda espreitava por debaixo do televisor a preto-e-branco para ver onde se escondiam as pessoas, mas lembro-me muito bem do apresentador português (José Mensurado), do modelo do módulo Eagle 1 que tinham em cima da mesa no estúdio da RTP, dos vizinhos sem TV todos lá em casa amontoados no sofá e de não conseguir perceber as imagens esbatidas que a câmara com o emissor de 7W ia transmitindo. Foi certamente o maior feito da Humanidade e sempre que penso nisso emociono-me um bocadinho. No entanto, acho que uma parte da história do que aconteceu na Lua ficou por contar. E para quem quer sabê-la, aqui vai.

NEIL – ‘Nice set of balls you have, Mike’
MICHAEL –‘You’re not so bad yourself, Neil. Let me grab ‘em, please…’
NEIL –‘You mean, grab my nuts? Wait. ‘Houston, we stand by for a few minutes for …some prayin’, over’.
HOUSTON – ‘Roger, Eagle 1 we stand by. Over’.
(…)
NEIL –‘The Eagle has landed. Over.’
MICHAEL – ‘Golly, yeah, for god sake land, land!...huh…aahhh…
BUZZ- ‘What the heck?... for Christ sake, WHAT in jesus name is going on here? I am to report this down there!...Lord, faeces squirting to the side!’
NEIL – ‘We were too nervous. Landing on the moon and all, see?’
BUZZ- ‘ Get your moronic, motherfuckin’ debased, faggot asses the hell out of here! Out of the ship! Out!...’
M. – ‘Sorry. No can do. I just broke my back. Tell you what; it’ll be our little secret, here in this mountain.
B. – ‘I don´t give a damn about that. You came here to ‘small step to man’ and stuff, so now do it! Get your astronaut suit and helmet and scram the fuck out of this ship! Beat it, now! And besides, we landed on the Sea of Tranquility, not in some mountain, you spaced morons!...(…) No, wait. I’m having second thoughts. How about a ‘little train’ before stepping out, huh?...Nice muscles and nice buttocks you guys have. Let me fondle you a bit’.
H. – ‘Eagle 1, do you copy? Over...’.
BUZZ – ‘Hum…let me have my mouthful with your huge furry bullocks, Buzz. Squirt your load of scum in my rectum’.
H.- ‘Eagle 1, please acknowledge. You micro is on. You’re on the air to the whole godamn Earth. Over.’
N. – ‘Oh yes, please shove your one-eyed trouser snake down my ass, yes… Ouch, Buzz please go slowly. Watch out for my rectum carcinome. It’s hurtin me’.
B. – Sorry, man. I’ll do it slowly. Step by step. A small step to (crackle, crackle)… man,…( crackle)…a giant leap for Mankind’.
H. – (…).
N. –Would you like to come to my place, bouncy bouncy?’.
B- ‘My nipples are exploding with delight’
M.-‘You have beautiful thighs’.
N. – ‘I am no longer infected’.
B. –‘I ejaculate in thy blissful mouth and a wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.
M.- And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil.
B.- Free from gross passion or of mirth or anger
constant in spirit, not swerving with the blood,
garnish'd and deck'd in modest compliment,
not working with the eye without the ear,
and but in purged judgement trusting neither?
Such and so finely bolted didst thou seem.’
H.- ‘Eagle 1, do you read me? Over, over.’
B.- ‘Some cum smorgasbord, huh?...’
M.- ‘Damn right’. Houston, we’re on the leave to the Moon now.’
H.- ‘Take your toothbrush, faggot’.
M. –‘Roger, roger’.